I’m 31, and amongst my closest friends, I’m the last unmarried, non-mother left. Back in the day I would be considered an old shrew. Boy I am I happy we’ve come a long way since then. Some days it doesn’t feel so bad. And some days I even tell myself “I’m the lucky one”! I’ve had more time to figure things out. I’ve made so many amazing friends, and I’ve actually had the time to spend with them. I’ve traveled the world and made the most incredible memories. But always there’s this ache. This need not yet realized.
I always said when I was 25 I’d be married with at least my first child. Now 6 years later I’m single, living on my own, and surrounded by friends and family who are married or engaged with children. Let me state for the record I could not be happier for any of them (If any of you are reading this you better know how much I love all of you and your children). They were all at one point or another feeling what I do now. Unlike our mothers before us, we didn’t marry young, and we didn’t have children till our late twenties or early thirties.
My mother had me when she was just twenty-one. By the time she was my age she had three children and was actually already separated from my father and helping my step-father with his three. I still don’t know how she did it, 6 is a handful to a farmer! But I digress.
I know there are countless women out there in the same boat. None in my inner circle, but I’ve met you lovely ladies. We’re the aunts, the honorary aunts, the God-mothers, and the baby-sitters. We love everyone else’s children as we hope to someday love our own.
Now I’m a Christian, and saying is believing. And I have faith that God has already picked out my perfect somebody that I’ll share my perfect little one with. I’ve learned through the message that one of my pastor’s shares that I just have to keep believing for it. It may take 15+ years but my day will come. I just have to speak it into existence. But like another one of my pastors said in his word this past Sunday, not rush it so that God gives me what I want when I’m not ready for it. I learned this once already.
About a year ago I tried to take matters into my own hands and was trying to become a foster-mother with the intent to adopt. I did the classes; I filled my home with baby toys and all their necessities. I own a crib and a changing table. My amazing friends threw me not one, but two baby showers to help me prepare. And as I left for Europe last year I knew when I got back that I’d be starting this next chapter in my life. But upon my return, the state of Florida decided to change its laws and began requiring two bedrooms in order to foster infants.
I was devastated.
I turned to God for the answers. He’s never let me down. And of course in church on Sunday I was convicted. Pastors spoke about God’s time, and reminded me that God’s grace is given on his time and not mine. So I’ve lent out some of the gifts I received but I’ve held tight to my changing table and crib. This is my commitment to God that I will receive his gift. That I know he will fill my crib with a baby and that it will be when he believes me to be ready.
I’ve dated on and off since I was 13. I’d very much like to meet the man who will be my special somebody. But a friend of mine said something to me last week that touched my spirit. She said “Maybe God has had you wait because there were so many of us that needed you first”. How amazing is that? How can one sentence give you what you needed to hear more than anything? She reminded me that I have children, that I’ve had many of them. There’ve been so many that I call my own that my friends and family willingly share with me. I’ve also had my VACC Camp (Ventilator Assisted Children’s Center Camp) and Vent Love kids to love and cherish.
So I’m going to be a Ms. for as long as I’m supposed to be. In the meantime, I’m going to hug all the babies I can, and travel to any place I can afford. I’m going to cherish the time I have to spend with all of my friends and family at the drop of a dime. Because I know one day I’ll be a wife and mommy and my focus will change. But for now I’m going to continue to enjoy the little things…